How To… have a bleedin’ deadly Valentines
- Steal a phone and ring Adreeeen Kennedeeeee and threaten to shove a banger into his letterbox if he doesn’t say “I love ye, Teena, will ye marry me, ye will?”
- Neck a few cans, find a karaoke bar and sing ‘Mambo No. 5′ replacing every girl’s name in the song with Teena. “A liddel bit o’ Teena in muy luy-eff…”
- Copy the scene from Meet the Parents where the kids hold up a series of signs saying “Marry me, Pam”. If you can’t find enough kids to help out, then bribe Tina’s seven kids with twenty Bensons each.
- Buy a matching set of romantic his-and-hers Le Coq Sportif tracksuits from your local sports shop. Claim the staff and/or customer loyalty discount as appropriate.
- After treating your beloved to not one, but two Happy Meals – and a McFlurry. Go on, it’s St Valentine’s! – crack open the vintage bottle of Buckfast that you’ve been keeping stuffed in your Dublin GAA jerseys for that special occasion.
- If you’re going to pop the question, make the moment extra-special by nicking a Burberry scarf (no need to chop up your baseball caps, fellas) and gluing properly sized bits of it to the ring box to give it that personal touch.
- As you hit the hay arms with just yourself and a box of Willie the Irish Rover, have the perfect soundtrack by putting on your Pogues mixtape, starting with ‘A Rainy Night in Soho’. Pleasant dreams…